When the Second Time is Harder than the First

When to call it quits

Hi everyone,

I’m in a strange place right now. There’s part of me that wants to go to the ends of the earth to have another child, i.e. donor eggs or adoption, then there’s the other side that thinks I’m done and that my life is complete with just Maggie. 

I seem to flip flop daily if not several times a day between the two.

I often wonder if the overwhelming drive to have another isn’t brought on by the grief/guilt of loosing the last pregnancy as I often feel the extra pull after I think about him and how old he’d be right now. Or sometimes I worry that God or the powers that be (whatever you believe in) have decided to punish me because of things I do, like maybe I lost my patience on Maggie when she takes 30 min to put pants on. Most days I can snap out of that one pretty fast but somedays it takes some pretty big reasoning to realize that there’s no reason that I would be held to such impossible standards when there are people all over the world who actually yell or are worse to their children and yet they have no problem conceiving.  I think subconsciously I worry that things won’t be right with God and I until we conceive again. I get that that’s irrational as it’s not like I chose that there would be something wrong with him, nor did I do anything to cause it, I think it’s just because it’s been such a hard road since.

I do also know how wonderful of a life Maggie would still have if she was an only. She is so very loved and she knows it. In fact if you were to ask Maggie on any given day if she wants a sibling or if she wants mommy to have a baby she would probably give you a great big resounding “No”. She loves being just the three of us. She prefers to play by herself and has an amazing imagination. She’s incredibly empathetic to the point that it’s almost a problem because when she sees another child crying it makes her cry.

Not to mention almost everyone I know who is having a second right now complains about how the older one is acting out and is scratching/hitting the baby or is just throwing all kinds of tantrums. I also know the joy having a sibling brings and how nice it is to have someone who can relate. 

I have the experience of being both as my sister and I are 10 years apart, so there we times that it was like we were two only children, but now we talk and are quite close.

I just don’t know which is the right choice for our family. I know both hold so much potential, both positive and negative. So I guess only time will tell.

Last night hubby and I had a discussion about the option of donor eggs. It’s a wonderful option because the child would still be related to him and I would get to carry the baby and give birth so the bonding would be there. The huge downsides are of course the cost as well as the child not being related to me, also there is no guarantee that it would work. There is a VERY good chance, as the donors are often very young and the pregnancy rate is based on their age not mine, but no guarantee. In some ways I worry that this is just tempting fate. IVF with my eggs I see as just helping nature out, but this would be different. I was the one who brought the idea to hubby, and I even had him convinced (He’d be willing to do whatever it took to make me happy), but as is often the case I’ve flip flopped back to questioning it. So in the end we decided to save like mad over the next year and then revisit the idea as there’s no time limit for it, well there is but I’m about 20 years away from the cutoff for donor eggs so time isn’t a factor in that sense, it would just be the gap between Maggie and the baby. Also this will give us a year either for nature to take it’s course and maybe we’ll be lucky enough to get pregnant or for us to be ok with just having one, which I can potentially see happening too. But in a year if I still have this overwhelming desire we’ll have some money to try. 

I really just wish it was easy. 

I know far too many people who got pregnant by accident or tried for one month or so and got pregnant. Heck I was in both of those categories until this last year. I just wish it was easier.

So I’m not sure where we go from here. One day at a time I guess.

Lots of love,
Evalee 

in repair

Hi everyone,

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m sorry.

We’re all in the process of grieving. This weekend we were volunteering out at camp and I had to make a run into Canmore for more diapers and wipes for the little ones in the program and it really occurred to me how lucky we are. We may just have one child but we’ve been able to afford the things she needs like diapers and wipes, which is more than some families.

When we (Maggie and I) were driving back into camp the song ‘In repair’ by John Mayer came on and I really think that the lyrics apply to my life right now.

  In Repair - By John Mayer

….

Hi everyone,

Today is feeling quite depressing and lonely. Not that I’m alone, I’m with Miss Maggie and and I went to the farmer’s market with my mother in law this morning. It’s that lack of feeling like you have something to do, or something to look forward to. I’m really grieving the loss of being able to have another child or at least doing it easily.

I’m reminded of a talk given at our ivf info session, I know I’ve said it on here before but I feel it’s time to say it again.

It’s ok the grieve the loss of easy reproduction. 

Right now I’m doing just that, and the loss of any potential children that could have come out of this whole process. 

We saw a councillor yesterday at the clinic after they cancelled our cycle. We told about our blog and fundraiser. You should have seen the look on her face, she was so happily surprised. She spent a couple minutes for commending us for doing this. She also made a very good point. The fact that I’m so open about not only the good stuff but also the crappy bad stuff will make it so much easier to grieve and to move forward with our lives. Roo was playfully bugging me yesterday when we were sitting in the waiting room of the clinic waiting to talk to the councillor and I wrote that our cycle had been cancelled on Facebook and it wasn’t two minutes later when we started getting messages and comments from people expressing their condolences and telling us how much they love us and are hoping that things will turn out. The thing that has really touched my heart is that we’re getting prayers and condolences/well wishes from people we’ve never met face to face. Some of you I only know online, yet I feel so much love for you. 

So I’m not sure if it’s me coming off the hormones, the grief of losing someone I’d only hoped to meet or it’s just the lack of being in a holding pattern. 

All I can say is that I hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

lots of love
Evalee 

Cancelled

Hi everyone,

Well my cycle has been officially cancelled. 

This is so disappointing for us. It’s been something we’ve really been gearing up for and have worked so hard to get there. I’m not sure it’s fully sunk in. I think over the next few days we’ll really come to terms with it.

I want to say a giant thank you to everyone who has donated or sent love and prayers our way. I really feel all of your prayers has helped us to take this news a little easier.  It means more to us than you’ll ever know.

There were however a few silver lining things that came out of our appointment. We very luckily got the RE today who is a Premature Ovarian Failure specialist. She told us that we did the right thing in giving IVF a shot because looking at my numbers you never know how it will turn out as it can go either way. She was also saying and made a very clear point of saying that we still have a 5-10% chance of conceiving with or without help. And that the chance is the exact same either way so no point in spending more money trying with medical help and just try the old fashioned way. So I figure my attitude is if it happens it will be an amazing blessing, but if it doesn’t then we’re still blessed with Miss Maggie, so not trying but not avoiding. 

In fact we had some buddy passes for flights donated to us so we might save up our pennies and see if we can do something as a family this summer to help us relax and appreciate everything and take our minds off what we don’t have.

The other thing she wanted to make clear is that I’m NOT in menopause just quite yet, I still have some good follicles and on my ultrasound she saw several small ones but only one that responded to the meds. I see all the small ones as a testament to everything I’ve been doing. 

So I’m not quite sure where this blog is going to head from here. It was set up for the purpose of following our infertility journey and I feel that that’s now coming to an end. I’m not sure how many of you still want to hear about me and my family.  If you have any suggestions or would like to keep reading my posts please let me know. Please let me know.

So thank you for everything. It means so very much.

Lots of love
Evalee 

Preparing for the worst.

Hi everyone,

Yesterday was such a hard day. My eyes are still sore and red from all the crying.

In a lot of ways I felt the same way I felt when I found out something was wrong with my last pregnancy. That disappointment, the grieving the loss of someone you will never know. Yes this time I know them less than then, but it’s the loss of the idea of more than one child vs the loss of an actual child. When we lost our son, I had the glimmer of hope that we’d get another chance. I’m not feeling that now.

Yes, we can always adopt. But for right now I’m so done. I don’t want to live in a holding pattern any more.

So if this cycle gets cancelled I think I’m done.  

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still cautiously optimistic, and miracles do happen. I’m just preparing for the worst. 

Maybe we waited too long even though we followed the doctor’s lead by doing IUI’s first as she said there was no reason to jump straight to IVF. 

I could go over ‘What if’s’ in my head forever, it doesn’t change where things are at right now. 

I feel ready to be done. Don’t worry, I’m not giving up hope for a baby, just changing my focus and hoping for a miracle. I’m just done with doctors and tests and feeling like a lab rat. 

I’m so very sorry if I’ve let any of you down. I’ve tried my very best, and I’m not sure what more I could do. I’m so very sorry that your donations and love haven’t resulted in a baby or even grown embryos. It hurts me so much to think of everything that everyone has put into this and have it end like this. I feel like I’ve let people down. Roo tried to remind me that nobody paid for a baby, they donated for a chance, and we’ve had a chance, it just isn’t working out. So while I try to remember that, it still breaks my heart and adds to the grief I’m feeling. So with all my heart I’m sorry.

Thank you so much for all your support. I will let you know what Thursday brings. I’m still praying for a miracle, but I’m preparing for the worst.

Lots of love
Evalee 

today, what it was supposed to be and what it was

Hi everyone,

Today was supposed to be happy. It was my mid stimulation ultrasound. I was supposed to go in hoping for the best and getting to see how well my follicles had been growing, it was supposed to be a day of hope and planning for retrieval, thus planing for implantation day. It was supposed to be a good day.

It wasn’t.

Maybe I was too cocky, I got my hopes up too high. Maybe I expected more of my body than it could handle.

My ultrasound today revealed NO GROWTH, or at least nothing that was worth measuring. I’ve been kept on the drugs for a few more days, then on Thursday I go back for another ultrasound to see if anything has changed and if not we cancel. 

Roo and I are devastated. 

Maybe I was over suppressed, maybe it was the wrong drug cocktail, who knows.  We’re hoping for the best on Thursday and really hoping we don’t have to cancel and start all over or give up. 

I’ve decided to turn it over to the powers that be. I truly believe that there is something bigger than ourselves out there and I’m going to just trust that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.  For those of you who know me well, you know how hard that is for me, just to trust that everything will work out. I’m incredibly stubborn, I really want things on my timeline. This worked out really well when we had Maggie, we tried for 2 months, got pregnant on the second try. The last time however, we’d been trying for a few months to no avail then my dad suffered a massive stroke and we focused our everything on caring for him and making sure his last days were dignified and he received the care he needed. Then out of the blue I found out I was pregnant. It was so surprising that both Roo and I looked at each other and were like “When did that happen?” “I guess two weeks ago?” It was a shock. A VERY happy shock, but a Shock.

The whole pregnancy however felt off from the start. In a strange way it almost felt like it was a shock for him too (We found out we were supposed to have a boy), in a lot of ways it felt like it was the wrong time. I even had a dream that we had just gotten home from the hospital and I was changing the baby’s diaper only to find out we had the wrong gender child, then we got a call from the hospital that they gave us the wrong kid and ours was waiting to be picked up. 

So when we found out at 16 weeks that something was wrong, it confirmed a lot of fears of mine. We ended up loosing him shortly thereafter. 

I was angry at the universe for a long while after that. Angry at God, the one with the capital G. I’m only now starting to see that maybe it was just all meant to be.

I don’t know if we’ll ever get another shot, I really hope so. But until then, It’s out of my hands and the only thing I can do is be the best possible mommy to miss Maggie and tell her I love her more than anything everyday.

Lots of love.
Evalee 

Bought my ticket and boarding the emotional roller coaster.

Hi everyone,

Well it has begun. Yesterday I started my Suprefact injections, so far it’s not bad, I’ve had some headaches but the worst part is the teariness, or as it says in the drug info the “Emotional Lability”. I think that’s a nice way of saying PMS on steroids. This evening I’ve been crying over everything. Maggie chewed on a piece from a magnet book and it brought me to tears because my father who passed away gave it to her. Then I was crying to Roo about something else, then pictures of babies on my drug packages made me tear up and so on. 

I’m really scared about the next couple weeks.

Tomorrow I start on the big guns, the gonal  F and the Luvaris. So we’ll see what that does. On the upside, I also have acupuncture tomorrow so that should help stabilize me a bit. Fingers crossed.

So I’ve bought my ticket and I’m on the roller coaster, no turning back now. 

Maybe I should put a sticker on my forehead “Warning: Emotional Lability”. LOL

I’ll keep you all posted.

Lots of love,
Evalee 

And we begin…

Hi everyone,

I now have very exciting news, we are officially starting our very first and hopefully only IVF cycle. I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done yesterday, we got the call in the afternoon that everything looked good and I went in and got my meds today. 

I start taking the suprefact on Sunday, then the Luvaris and Gonal F on Monday or Tuesday. It’s very exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. I do however feel like there’s lots of signs pointing that things are going to go well. 

First there was the fact that we raised as much money as we have, that has to count for something.
Then I got the call to start a cycle the day after I blogged about being ready to just get going, and today when I went into pick up my meds they were cheaper than I expected and not only were they cheaper I also got the Luvaris for Free, yes Free.

The drug company has given the clinic a whole bunch of sample packages of it and as such the clinic is passing the savings on to the patients by not charging them for it. So that saved a huge chunk of cash; something like $800-$1000. So it’s almost like a giant donation to our fund. We’ve also been very fortunate to find out that Roo’s insurance will cover $2500 for fertility Drugs per year. So that will help so much.

So for those of you who are interested, here’s the rundown of the cost of our IVF:

Registration Fee    $300
Basic cost of IVF    $5 900
Embryo Cryopreservation  $850
ICSI   $1 500
Assisted embryo Hatching  $400
Drug Costs   $3 598.86 (Not sure of the cost of the Luvaris as the receipt they gave me says zero, so I didn’t include it.)

Grand total to date: $12 548.86
Amount Raised to date $8 825
Covered by insurance: $3 335.63

Drum roll please…. We’ve covered all but $387.37

Wow, that is so awesome. We’ll be eating KD this month to cover the last of it, but it is SOOOO worth it. I really didn’t think this would be possible.  I am so thankful to every single person who has helped make this possible. I may not say it on here all the time, but I thank everyone of you all the time. My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude for every one of you.

I’ll be writing lots of posts as we go along so stay tuned.

Lots of love
Evalee 

New study

Hi everyone,

I was sent a link to this article the other day. On first glance it is really good news for me as I have the het norm/high genotype as I’m a fragile X carrier. So yay me.

But after thinking about the article for a while it almost makes it sound like it’s a good thing to be a carrier. There’s only a quick paragraph about what can happen if the gene expands too much and so I don’t think it’s really made clear that it’s not a great thing.  I do get that Fragile X is a complex thing so they can’t cover it in too much detail but it’d be nice if it pointed out that women with the normal/high genotype have a 50% chance of passing on the fragile X gene and depending on the size of the expansion in the mother, the gene has a good chance of expanding to a full mutation range. Not to mention all of the oh so fun things that go along with being a carrier… So good for me but it might be nice to warn others before they get too excited about being a carrier.

So take a read through, it’s pretty neat stuff.

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/articles/genetic-test-predict-ivf-egg-production-older-women

Lots of Love
Evalee 

Happy St Pats

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is enjoying their day of fun. I had to work. 

I’m happy to announce that I’m taking all of April off of work. I feel that I need to rest during my cycle and being at a job that is physically and mentally stressful is not a good place for me to be while going though this.  

So I have 10 more shifts and then I’m done for a month. YAY!!!

I’ve been eagerly telling all of the regulars that I’ll be gone and it’s been so nice hearing all the well wishes and hearing all their stories. I gotta say, it’s the regulars that keep me working there. 

On another note, so far I’m just on the birth control and basically in a holding pattern. It’s been kinda rough, I don’t remember feeling so emotional and weepy when I was on the pill before, it could also be the DHEA they have me on as well and the two together… But it’ll all be worth it.

When I chatted with my acupuncturist the other day the idea of self talk came up. I had mentioned about how I’m worried about the quantity of eggs I’ll produce and she was telling me that I need to change my self talk because she feels the body can’t distinguish between things you want and don’t want when they are repeated and thought about. So as such I’m now saying “I’ll make as many eggs as we need to be successful”, so be that 5 or 15, I’m changing my way of perceiving things. It kinda goes with the whole thing about bees and how their wings are technically too small to hold their body weight, yet they can still fly. Maybe their were just never told they couldn’t. 

So this is going to work. 

When I think about it that way I’m actually quite excited about the procedure. I can’t wait to be pregnant again and to have another beautiful baby to love. 

I’ll leave you with that tonight.

Lots and lots of Love.
Evalee